Being the very busy man that he is, Elliott has passed on the interviewing mantle to our man on the job, Chris Craildriff, who brings you an all-too-lyingly exclusive interview with Sir Cliff Richard.

Cliff, or may I call you Richard, this really is a pleasure.
Why thank you. I always like to spread a little happiness in people's lives.

I feel the same about mowing the lawn.
Of course you do.

There are hundreds of pertinent questions I was told to ask you - about Satan, confusion, and the Nomad, but if you don't mind I'd like to ask you about your music.
Well, if you must.

How does it feel?
Sorry...I don't understand.

Well, picture this. You're at home in the company of a junior tennis player. There are logs on the fire. Soft candlelight. And the smooth sounds of Cliff Richard coming from the stereo. How does that feel?
Well, first I get this tingly feeling in my toes, which spreads into pins and needles that run all up and down my right leg. For some reason, my left leg just seems to go dead, and I get a bit dizzy, so you can often find me limping around bumping into furniture. My head feels particularly light and fruity, and my shoulders are relaxed, except on some occasions when I get severe athletes foot in my crotch.

I've got to bring this up. Christmas. You might remember it? December 25th. Comes once a year. Noel Noel and all that. Remember? Anyway, my question is, what did you get?
I always think that it's the gift that's important. My present was the smile I saw on children's faces.

I was given petrol for my lawnmower. By my drinking buddies. They clubbed together. It was good, really, because I was running out, and when you gotta mow, you gotta mow.

[ N.B. The sentiments expressed in this column are not necessarily those of it's founder and mentor : The Evil Double - party tricks and stand-ups - Book now! ]

Cliff Richard wasn't talking to Chris Craildriff.