...written and compiled by spank.

twelves | platter patter | teletubbies | way out west

Why have the Teletubbies become such an overnight phenomena? Is it because thousands of ickle kiddywinks religiously tune in to see these cuddly looking yet garishly coloured creatures? Possibly. A more probable explanation is that they have the support of the dance community that spawned them. Here’s 10 reasons why......

Tinky Winky, a regular at Trade and Twilo, is the first gay icon for the under 5s. He minces around with his handbag all day long. Result? One sacked actor due to inappropriate interpretation of the role. The world can be so cruel. La La drug icon throws her ball in the air and inexplicably comes down as a giant letter E . Outcome? Tabloid feeding frenzy. They hug each other like 4 mates coming up on E.

Their cooker beats at 145BPM when dispensing food (in the form of tubby custard), at which point they all throw down some wicked dancefloor shapes to the repetitive beats. Unfortunately due to their actions in (4) we find in the next series La La and the gang being dragged down the nick for contravening the Criminal Justice Act. What subversive and illegal characters they truly are. Their garish fashion sense can mean only one thing...it’s gonna be one hell of a night down at Pushca!

Tinky Winky just can’t let those late 80’s acid house days go. Evidence of this can be witnessed in the fact that he spent a whole episode unable to remove his black and white chequed ravers hat; purchased somewhere around the M25 in 1989. Teletubbies repeatedly using the phrase “Teletubbies love to ROLL”. I bet you do. The programme shows at 7.30 ensuring that après clubbers are the biggest slice of the audience. However canny BBC officials know this and play large sections of the programme twice in the episode thus conning half the audience that they are having acid flashbacks. Bastards.

With thanks to CCBoy and Pete Dirtylist.